Woman! Love yourself first!

Self-love! Loving yourself first feels so good.

I grew up thinking I must be liked by people in order to be happy. Clearly a terrible thought. It was only appropiate if I was aiming for selfdestruction. It took me years to discover the dirty lie that this though represented. I'm 37, and sometimes I still struggle with this misconception.

In my teen years, I was never a popular girl. I wasn't the cutest chick at school and definitely wasn't the hottest at the University. I was one of the smartest girls, the nerd club member, the know-it-all, and of course, that didn't make me the most desired female by then. Not that it bothered me a lot, but yet I always tried/wanted to be liked by everybody.

At that young age I was clear that I wanted to be a smart and powerful woman. But how to achieve those things... How to focus all my energy into it... that was the hardest thing to discover. As a secret well hidden, my own truth was there... I could almost taste it... but it was still missing. How frustrating, right?

I wasn't a chic girl. Never would have been. I dressed like taken from a previous decade, never wore brands because my family couldn't afford it, (the only brand thing I had was a BONGO jeans), my makeup was extremely cheap- like Dollar Tree cheap. My hair was hideous! I wasn't meant to fit in. By then, the idea of not fitting anywhere was disturbing. For a teenager it's very frustrating to be so different from their peers. And it sucked!

It took me a lifetime to see my mistake. I wasn't someone who really needed to be liked by the world. I wasn't someone lacking attention from the people around. It was just that the "attention" other girls my age were looking for wasn't exactly what I was desperately in need of. Inside, I felt like an emptiness took control of me. I was brilliant, friendly, a most likely to succeed kinda student, yet I still felt empty.

For years, I was looking for something bigger. A higher purpose. But even in my adulthood I was looking for it in all the wrong places. Looking for something to fill that void was an impossible thing to do, as I was looking for it exactly where other people my age, with completely different interests, were looking.

Then, one day, I started to analyze myself. To my surprise, I was in desperate need of myself. How I didn't realize it before?