Why parents are to blame for siblings' eternal battles.
Once upon a time there was a family with two children: a boy and a girl. The girl was always pampered and the boy always taught how to work hard. Many days the boy was made to work even beyond tiredness, while the girl slept or just played around. Years passed, quickly for the girl, very slow for the boy. She made of her life a mess of rum and men, to the point she left her parents for many years, offending them every time she saw the opportunity. The boy- turned into a man- stood by their parents, in sickness and sorrows, always caring for them.
One day, the daughter returns. Of course, the parents were happy. And that happiness couldn't allow them to see that her return wasn't because of love but for economical needs. Since that day, the girl manipulated them to give her everything they didn't taught her to work for.
The son -adult already- falls in love one day. His parents aren't happy to let him leave so start attacking his girlfriend and force him to never return as long as he decided to be with the woman. The problem wasn't the woman. The problem was they didn't want their son away from their house, leaving them without someone who would do everything for them. The son tried to make them understand he was happy and will always be for them, but they wanted their way or no way. So the son left with the sadness of the rejection of his parents.
Years later, the parents died. The daughter called her brother to let him know. It was nothing left to do, except an inheritance that was left without will. Time passed by and it couldn't be divided, as the girl wanted her brother to surrender what was rightfully and legally his. The daughter thought it all meant to be hers because -according to her- God had told her in a dream it all belonged to her. The brother wanted it to be equal shares as they both deserved to receive the same amount to use to have a better future.
Years and years passed by. They got old and agreements never came.
Equality rights. A beautiful law was created, one that made us all alike. The same value, the same privileges, the same everything. Regrettably, this beautiful thing couldn't be shoved into civilization's throat for them to swallow and absorb faster. Even sadder, this right to be equals weren't reinforced where it mattered the most: homes.
Despite wanting to make the world a better place, people commit the mistake to talk and talk and say fake things about goodwill and how generosity and fairness is what the world needs to be a better place. Talking and giving those things are different things and most people is only willing to talk without give.
Where all those fake, greedy people came from? I wonder! And I hope you wonder this as well. I really think this people come from families that consider themselves better, superior than others for reasons as money power, believe their religion is the supreme one, abuse of political influence or the new trend of the century: calling themselves apostles of God.
I want to make a little pause in here. I'm not saying people with money or political influence are mean, greedy people. I'm talking about those who use those powers to bad purposes. I know people with lots and lots of money who are angels sent by God himself. Also know people with political influence, and I've seen them using their power to help others who really need it. I'm not attacking people of God, either. I'm not attacking real godsent people. I'm talking about fake ones. Those who commit bad choices everyday and yet think they have God grabbed by the balls because they say to be talking on His name. I am a born and raised Catholic. I don't think Catholic church is the celestial supreme authority. I do believe catholicism is a beautiful way to teach the goodness of God. Teaching how to achieve salvation by loving, respecting others and been fair, should be the universal common purpose of every religion.
That been said, let's move on.
Many times is very hard to see those people- greedy, egocentrics, eager to do whatever it takes to have things their own way- for who they really are. They are camouflaged among good people, even disguised as one. But just as wolves disguise as nice little lambs, these people will come out of their costumes one day to take what doesn't belong to them.
So, where that people came from?
You know how people say they should allow their kids to resolve their own conflicts between siblings? You know how they say is healthy for them to find resolutions to issues on their household? Is that even a real and fair thing to do in a home where one of the siblings is the spoiled kid and the treatment will never be fair towards the others? Was fairness to be found in the story above?
Kids cannot resolve their own problems when a parent (or both) are inclined to patronize one kid and always blame the other. There's no fairness in that action and sadly, kids grow into adults feeling they have to fight harder to be recognized by a parent who'll never see them as their equal, but as someone to be ordered around and use as best fit. While one grow into a hardworking person, the other grows lazy, pampered, thinking they should be served and respected, and thinking they are deservers of the world, the moon, the stars, and everything in between.
We, parents are to blame for the rivalries between siblings. We give this power to one of our kids by treating him/her different/better that the others. We are giving them the imaginary authority to do and undo as they like, because we are been unfair.
We are teaching them to feel superior, better deservers. We are teaching them work is not the most important thing, as long as you can manipulate. Many people manipulate with money, others with favors, and others manipulate selling a fake salvation with an even faker selfish doctrine.
We, parents, are teaching our kids how to take what belongs to their siblings with no consequences. We are punishing one kid for being respectful and obedient, by allowing their sibling to steal, mistreat and abuse of them, and then act as victims.
Is there even fairness when a whole fake scenario was created by the manipulative sibling to always get things its way?
Sadly, parents allow their kids to grow into this kind of adult: a greedy, selfish, liar, fake human, who'll do whatever it takes, even dress himself as a sweet innocent baby lamb to take their siblings rights. Even if they have to blaspheme God in the process.
I know firsthand the pains of this. When I divorced and meet my actual husband, my brother attacked me, and it was all motivated by my mother's religious beliefs. Divorce is evil. Having a partner after divorce is against God,... And those things were their motivator to attack my husband and myself for years. For this, I've been away from my brother and also was from my parents. My parents came to their senses the day I was to leave Puerto Rico with my kids forever. And from that moment we've maintained a respectful, caring relationship.
The damage done will still be there but that has made me stronger. I know what I'm not willing to accept in my life. I know what I will get from certain people, because most people only change for worse.
Parents cause an enormous damage into their kids lives. You, as parent, damage siblings relationships by forcing them to resolve problems you created in their lives.
Is not your job to help them financially because the husband is lazy and doesn't want to work. Is not your job to pay their bills because you feel guilty of how she left and got pregnant. Is not your job to pay your son a car because he asks for it.
Your job is to be always present. To be equally loving to all your kids. Te teach them equality, respect and honesty. To show them they are the same to you, value and respect their opinions. Be the good parent and don't put your offspring in a Hunger Games situation between them. And if you did, is still time to fix it. There a saying: Is never too late. Take advantage of it and fix the damage you caused to your kids.
Tell me your story about parents causing greedy child-adults. Have your own parents alienated you from your family? Has a sibling of yours acted as the alienator to separate you from your parents? How is that working for you?
Lots of love,