Because motherhood struggles are real!
Are your kids making comments about your sex life? How many times have they said they heard weird noises coming from your bedroom? Are they complaining in front of family members that sometimes you put them to bed early and they don't know why? Are they still children? Are they teens? Have you had the sex talk already?
If you answered yes to one or all the above questions, you're not alone! At some point, we all have experienced our children's comments or insinuations of our sex life.
Let me begin by telling you this is very normal! I'll explain in a minute.
There's a moment in every child's life when they start feeling separated from you. They begin developing their individuality and growing into their own person. No longer they are your little children. Earning some independence from mom, sons and daughters begin looking at the world differently. Not seeing through your eyes anymore, your children will begin to perceive (and listen) those things that belong to your intimacy.
Probably your kids grew attached to you like chewed gum to the sole of a shoe. Still, you managed to keep your sex life hidden from their prying eyes for long years. As the attachment breaks, so the veil of privacy you thought you had.
Your baby is growing. Not babies anymore, they can think for themselves. They can create their own idea of things. Start associating noises with things, discovering that the noise you blamed on cats fighting outside was nothing other than you roleplaying Catwoman in your own bedroom.
The first thing they start noticing is that you have weird underwear. Not because you run a display of lingerie and whips, and costumes and lace panties, but because they startle you while trying to sneak those sexy undergarments from the laundry room back to your closet.
Believe me, it's not a bummer! Once, my kids told my husband: "Did you know mom had g-strings?" I felt so ashamed and appalled. My husband felt no better than me. I think that was the first thing they noticed when they started detaching from me. When the emotional umbilical cord broke.
Probably some people will disagree with me here, but that's perfectly fine! I'll survive. You'll survive! And so our kids! There's no shame in having a life while raising healthy and loving kids.
Your kids have heard you having sex tons of times, although they prefer not to talk about it. My kids have heard me having sex. We have heard our parents making love. It's more common than what you may want to accept. Unless you're not having sex at all... In that case, nobody will ever hear you, which it's a shame!
Sex while parenting...
I'm not saying it's less frustrating because almost every kid in the entire universe has heard their parents having sex. I'm just saying it's something that's most likely to happen to everyone.
Have you noticed how every little sound seems to be thunderous in these wooden houses? Believe me! I know the difference. In Puerto Rico, houses are mostly made of concrete. That makes stronger homes, plus the noises aren't as noticeable as in a wooden home. So, I am a witness to how terrible noise transmission might be.
When I was growing, I heard my parents having sex. Often.
(Sorry, mom and dad. I heard, but never told! Still, I love you! And I feel very proud you had sex.)
I'm 37 years old. I can tell you with sincerity in my heart that teenagers don't want to know their parents have sex. I was a teenager once, okay? WhenI was growing, I associated those muffled moans and vigorous squeaky noises at night with extremely happy parents in the morning. Maybe that morning we would get pancakes or Chinese takeout in the afternoon, or a road trip.
In the beginning, I wasn't aware that they were doing the deeds... having sex...getting nasty! I was worried at first. Eventually, I got used to the benefits in the morning. Fewer fights and tears. More jokes and laughs. I didn't know what it was, but they needed to keep it up!
As I entered my early teenage years, I began to understand those noises weren't the result of a good foot massage or a nice back rub. Those noises were nothing else but sex. Yikes! My parents were having sex!
I know! I was a teenager once and the idea of my parents having sex was horrid!
Probably, they also heard their parent making love when they were growing. Well, maybe they even saw the action. Back when their parents were still young and sexually active, they were very poor. Houses weren't as private as we know now. They all shared a room and still, their parents managed to have five or six babies. And the parents of their parents as well.
And none of them were traumatized by it. I didn't need a psychologist to overcome the noises of my parents having sex. Neither my parents. Or their parents. I don't know of a single person who has needed psychological intervention to surpass the emotional damage of their parents acting like a loving couple.
Besides, as an empowered curvilicious Latina, I know our Latino parents would fix the problem very fast. My mom had this great technique called: El Revez. I know she ignores I baptized the slap that she awarded me with the back of her right hand. It was so terrible I wouldn't dare to complain for a while (because I couldn't feel my face, maybe!). Or my dad's belt buckle... believe me, I wouldn't have dared to mention their sex life. Now that I think of it, my siblings never did either. We grew up with little talk and lots of Revez and belt buckles. And none of us were traumatized knowing that our parents had sex.
What to do when your kids make comments about your sex life?
As not all of us are true fans of El Revez or the belt buckle, I suggest we teach, live by example and talk. This has worked fine for me so far (fingers crossed!).
First, always be caring and express your love openly. Some people think kids must not see people kissing or hugging or giving marital displays of affection. That thought is so wrong. Some things are better taught by example. Teach your kids you're in a loving, committed relationship by displaying affection to them and also to your partner. Of course, you must have limits. I'm not talking about tongue kissing or grabbing the package in front of them. I'm talking about true love in every non-nasty form!
Second, understand that they are just learning. These are new things that they need to face and accept and understand, mostly on their own. You must be the guide. Give them space to learn but establish the boundaries about privacy, respect and intimacy.
Third, you can make it easier for them. There's an age when moms or dads need to have THE TALK with their children. Have you already had it? Have you talked to your children about sex? If you haven't, there's a big chance they don't even know what sex is. You're missing a great opportunity to teach them something valuable. Remember, the more you wait, the bigger the chance that someone else tries to teach them the wrong story about sex.
Teach them about their bodies and the boundaries they must maintain. The world is full of mean-spirited and dirty-minded people preying on the innocents and ignorant. Give them the knowledge to avoid the pervs marauding the world.
Fourth, be firm but loving. Make sure they understand you are a person as well. They might see you as an almighty being, but you are just as human. Tell them your privacy is to be respected, just as theirs. Don't settle or negotiate your right to privacy. You're the adult. Act like it!
Be clear about one important thing: if your children overhear you having sex and they feel uncomfortable about it, they must talk to you. It's completely unacceptable to vent your sexual life with third parties.
If you know you've been careful, trying to keep it quiet, is out of your control if your children stand by your door or go to the bathroom next door to try to listen.
Fifth, be the loving mom. Sometimes, kids just feel jealous of the attention that this person is receiving, especially if it's a step-parent. You can hug them and pamper them and still be stern and firm about the boundaries they cannot trespass. If you have to impose consequences it's okay. This doesn't mean you're a bad mom. Good moms teach everything, including consequences.
Sixth, reinforce the fact that sex is a wonderful gift made for couples who love each other and are committed to a life together. Explain that sex is something very normal and they will enjoy its gift when they find their life partner. Be empathic that as wonderful as sex may be, it also has consequences like pregnancies or illnesses if done wrong.
Seventh, try to keep the lovemaking as quiet as possible while kids are home. Plan great hardcore sex romps when kids are at school. Take a day off work and just let it go wildly for the sake of your relationship.
Eighth, Prepare yourself for the tween and teen years. Cover the lower gap of the bedroom door with some towels and buy the kids some industrial fans for their own bedrooms. If they still "hear" you in the privacy of your room with the turbine sounds those fans make, it's because they intend to.
Ninth, you aren't allowed to feel ashamed for living. Your kids aren't permitted to put guilt on you for having sex with your husband. They'll leave eventually and you'll end up alone, cranky and undersexed.
Tenth, understand that you were a teenager once and the idea of your parent having sex was nauseating. No human alive is ecstatic of hearing their parents spanking or talking about the cherry! My parents having sex? Yikes! (Vomit sounds!) Not cool, man! Not cool!
Eleventh, reinforce privacy. Knock on their door before entering their room. Respect their private space. Leave them space to breathe and cool down in the confinement of their own room.
Protect your privacy. What will happen if your kids open your wallet without your permission? How would you act if they browse through your phone without you knowing it? How would you feel if they search in your "private" drawer of pleasures? You'll be pissed and you have all the right to be. Take immediate action. First offenders must have the speech of privacy. Recurring offenders need to see consequences. Your privacy must be protected above all things. Remember: Consequences.
Be firm but always be loving. Kids at tween and teen ages need lots of love and reinforcement to grow up into respectful citizens. You are laying the foundations of their future relationships. Teach them good. Teach them to love. Teach them respect. Teach them is normal to know your parents have sex. The world is better knowing you'll do your own life but your parents will still be happy, living an active romance.
What's your teenage horror story? Your kids heard you having sex? Did they catch you in the act?
Tell me your story!
Lots of love,