Advice from a woman who has lived it all.
How many times have you found yourself face to face with this battle?
Your parents aren't happy with your choice of husband or maybe they tolerate him but they don't feel comfortable around him... You know... They are vividly verbal on how unwelcomed to their house/family your partner is.
Or perhaps it's your husband who dislikes your family to the point where you have literally no peace... Family time has become hell for you, and being in the same room with all those people you love deeply is the worst of nightmares. I get it!
If you twisted your lips disregarding this true story, let me tell you how blessed you are. To this point, you haven't felt the oppression and the controlling attempts of those you love. Good for you, dear. Good for you!
But if I am allowed to be brutally honest, (which I will be anyway!) you and your family are just an outstanding exception. Whether it's because they are all super understanding, overly loving, or because they don't give a sh@t about you or your choices, you'll never have to "take a side".
But, at my almost 38 years, I have lived a little bit of everything. Hateful inlaws. Disrespectful siblings. Overstepping family members. Partners who feel more at home with your own parents than his own. Parents who'll gladly give their lives for your ex rather than loving you a little. A husband who would ask you to choose between him and his own kids...
Decisions... decisions! If never in your life you have been put in between the wall and the sharp blade, you're the envy of many. There's only one piece of advice for you, lucky person: Don't waste a single day of not loving those amazing people!
Are you forced to choose?
What REALLY happens when they "ask" you to choose?
Is it her or us?
I cannot stand your parents. We won't be visiting them anymore.
We love your husband. If you divorce him, we cannot spend time with you/the kids.
The Bible says that -I- your husband am more important than our kids.
You cannot force us to welcome this person.
I don't know why you need a man/woman in your life.
Have you heard some of those cruel sentences? I am not joking when I tell you these examples. These are all taken from real life. Sadly.
If you're forced to choose... they already made a decision for you. If your husband forces you to choose between him and your parents, he's expelling your parents out of your life. He's telling you: I'm more important than them. At the beginning of the relationship, he/she can fear meeting them because he/she knows these people have been guiding all your decisions to the day and that can be quite scary for most. That fear will go away when they get to know each other.
If your parents tell you is either them or your partner, they are telling you that this person you have chosen to be your life companion is not worthy of them (not you). They are letting you know that -this new family you want to make- will never be completely welcomed into their family.
They are clearly establishing their superiority over your chosen partner. They are letting you know you cannot have it all because they choose it that way. At the beginning of this new relationship, they may fear that you'll get hurt by this "stranger" and that will cause some sort of reluctance. But this will fade away soon.
If someone asks you to take a side, they already told you you're not welcomed in their lives if you "choose" to have it all, or if you "choose" against them.
Who created the rule that forces you to choose between all the people you love? Who decided life wasn't big enough to have it all?
Wo did? Someone whose heart isn't big enough to love you and accept the fact that life is meant to be shared with others... With parents and with husbands/wives.
So, Who to choose? What do I do? Should I stay with my parents? Should I stay with my partner? Why are they doing this to me? What did I do to deserve this?
Let me give you an advice:
Choose yourself first!
Yes, you! Easier said than done, right?
How can you choose yourself when you don't want to risk losing either your family or your husband?
Simple. Stay where you feel respected and loved. Stay where you feel free to stay. The one (ones) who don't force you to limit your future, your life, that's the one who deserves the best of you. Stay with those who are capable of surrendering their pride and ego to have you in their lives.
See... both my husband and myself are totally convinced that our family of origin (parents and siblings) aren't more important than our significant other. But we are also convinced that my husband isn't more valuable than my family or that I'm not more important than his family.
Why is that?
Let me explain:
Both -parents and partner- play a very important -but different- role in our lives.
The family of origin has the role of guiding us till the moment we can choose for ourselves. Parents are at our side till we decide to move on and create our own family.
Parents are there to help us grow to adulthood, while our partner will help us grow through life and love.
A husband/wife has the important task to accompany us, be our support, our biggest source of love. Romantic love. Carnal love.
A partner is with whom you'll make a new family on your own. A family that is attached to your parents with blood and love ties.
Both loves are completely different, thus there's no way to compare. As it is impossible to compare, it's even more impossible to choose between!
Can you choose between water and oxygen? You need both to have a healthy normal life. You can live a day or two without water and then you'll die. You can exist minutes (at the most) without oxygen, and you'll die as well. The time you'll be "living" without one of those things, you'll be suffering, and that's called "surviving" not "living".
But if you are free to enjoy both, your life will be healthy, long and happy.
Exactly the same is trying to choose between family and the partner. There's no happiness living a life deprived of family and your partner.
There's one thing you need to know. Sometimes you cannot have it all and it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes, either your parents or your husband will choose to stay away because you "broke their rules", because you "disobeyed".
If that's the case, set yourself free. Live a happy life with those who respect your decisions and who are capable of accepting that-just like them- you deserve love in all its forms.
Have an Ugly Truth story? Were you forced to choose? Leave me a comment with your own story!
Lots of love,