In the quest for the perfect unicorn.
Baby, we need to talk!
Modern society has led both men and women to a very difficult position. (No pun intended!) I mean sexually speaking.
With more and more women owning their bodies, desires, pleasures and opinions, men are just pushed aside because their capacity to adapt to this "new" hybrid society full of female empowerment is almost null.
So used to be the dominant gender and the supremacy of all things sex, men are struggling to find their own empowerment or at least getting it back.
Why is that?
Are we- ladies- emotionally castrating men with our freedom, our desires and with taking control of our sexuality?
It wouldn't surprise me if some men have answered with a big "YES".
No! Of course not! We are not!
Weren't we the weaker sex that rose from just being servants of men and their release of sexual tensions to own our pleasure?
Yes, we were! Seems that we had enough of all the macho oppression. Women were tired of being used and being sexually objectified.
More than enough times, I've been accused of killing masculinity because I am full of ideas, opinions and simply because I won't be silenced. So unfair. A strong woman has the power to make her man even stronger. Those who think this is wrong... have issues with their manhood.
Why should we settle to be the flesh device men uses just to flush away his erections full of desires and anger and provocation for some mystery lady?
Why would women be happy and satisfied knowing she's merely the means of male pleasure but not the source of their love?
Why would we feel complete knowing our man is constantly creating erotic thoughts with other woman's boobs instead of our own?
Why would we feel empowered hidden under tons of layers of clothing to camouflage our curves when we know our man enjoys curves, but he's disregarding our own? Nah!
Why would we be happy being just that - an unfeeling sex toy - when we know we have the power to create all that sexual tension and more with our own charms?
Women took matters into their own hands. We had enough. If our man wants to see curves, we'll show him what curves are! He might as well watch curves or bones elsewhere, but he'll be sure someone else will be watching and drooling all over his woman's body!
If we survived centuries of oppression, I'm quite sure men are capable of adapting and evolving to this moment when we are equal (sexually speaking). They might as well adapt to female empowerment and sexual control or get extinct like the dinosaurs.
It is very hard -almost impossible if I may add- to find a man who honestly and openly talks about sex. This man -the perfect specimen- is as rare and Utopian as a unicorn. He simply doesn't exist beyond our imagination and deepest desires.
This male impossibility to talk about sex -even in a monogamous committed relationship- only makes me wonder one thing:
Why? Why straight guys struggle so badly at the time of talking about sex with their wives?
Are men so shy all of a sudden?
Are they victimized by women's self-control and sexual desires?
Are they still struggling with their egos to find a way to feel superior?
Are they looking for ways to crush the sense of inferiority that feels as heavy as the cloak of the night when a woman tells them "It's enough"?
Or, it is because we will speak up? We will not tolerate things anymore?
Do men find it so hard to openly talk about sex with their spouses because they cannot withstand knowing that their double standards and double morals will be exposed and discovered?
Once out there, that double measuring of things (one for him who's the man, and another to measure the "weak" woman) is open to discussion, debate, or inclusive judgment.
The latter one, judgment, is something that straight men fear to death.
And that's alright. They can keep those things for themselves. They can remain silent when is time for the SEX talk. But when the time comes to evaluate the relationship, sex included, women won't hold it back anymore. They will speak up about their dissatisfaction. Vividly.
Men may think: Everything in the sex department is fine. There's no need to talk about any of this.
But is it? Really? Is it?
Meanwhile, women may think: This is shitty. Why can't we talk about our sexual likings? Why he always leave, or fall asleep, or drastically change the subject when I ask him about sex? Will he enjoy some role play, or he'll feel threatened? Will he like me taking control, or he'll feel offended?
The silence and mutis and avoided conversations, playing dumb to shirk a topic, is simply leaving your wife confused and wondering how to please you, and how to please herself. It's everything so OK that you prefer to elude talking and act ignorant? It's everything so great that telling your partner what you want or like came to be so unnecessary?
Is she supposed to act like a mind reader and guess what will turn you on? Will it be her fault if your repressed fantasies start hunting you to the point of total dissatisfaction?
It's okay to feel bad or ashamed or even appalled and prefer not to talk about sex. That's totally acceptable. But a man should always remember that his woman is -many times- out of her comfort zone while pleasing him blindly, and still, she does what it takes for her man.
Remember that by remaining silent and faking to be asleep, you're emotionally feeding and satisfying only 50% of your relationship: yourself. The other 50% stays wide awake, full of questions and doubts, angry at your hypocrisy and double morals, needing you, wanting you, wishing for honesty and openness and satisfaction.
Avoiding honest and open conversations about sex leaves your spouse in a very bad position. She will clearly feel shamed, ignored, and -in the worst of scenarios- used. How is it possible that you don't have a single sexual fantasy when she casually asks, but in the middle of your regular sex actions you whisper in her ear something unusual you've been dying to try? How dare you hide your sexual desires from her when she can easily find your online searches or inclusive, your porn browsing? Speak up, man!
What men need to know...
Men seem oblivious to the fact that weak sexual communication leads to bad sex. The less you talk to your wife, the less sex you'll get. Yes, believe me on this! A woman needs to know you're open to her. She needs to feel closer to you in order to enjoy sex. She needs to know -not just because you're a good provider- that you and she can communicate about everything.
Men need to understand that not every woman they cross paths with, is willing to fulfill his kinkiest fantasies. Most men complain that women didn't even want to give blowjobs. So, if your wife is asking and you're saying nothing, you're missing a great opportunity to be pleasured, and also with your silence, you're missing a great woman.
If you're so ashamed to talk sex with her, she'll be ashamed to have sex with you. Period.
Men hate to talk about sex topics because that's the moment when they realize they have issues. But, why you worry so much? Your wife already knows you have plenty of issues. And she's willing to deal with the whole package if you're willing to talk.
Most men ignore that being honest and open can transform the relationship to another great level. Communicating with your wife can be incredible for both!
A secretive man will never feel truly pleasured and that's not his wife's fault. He's the only one to blame.
Understanding that your wife is not a mind reader will be of great use to men. If you don't share those needs, desires and curiosities with your wife, she wouldn't know how to indulge you sexually. What does this mean? You will be dissatisfied forever.
If you have doubts, check out these Man's thoughts vs. Woman's thoughts:
A man will say: "Everything is okay."
The woman will just reply: "As you say."
The man who clearly chooses to avoid topics with his wife will ask: "What you want to do?"
The wife, that's used to her husband's lack of sexual communication, will merely answer: "Whatever you want."
The man will say: "I'm fine."
His wife will simply reply: "Fine."
The man will say nothing else but her words will continue bouncing in his head. What did she mean by that? Why she didn't say everything is okay? What's wrong with her? Is she just trying to disagree?
But he'll never bring the argument to her because deep down he knows it will force him to go to the topics he's not willing to discuss with his own wife. For a man, it is preferable to leave it like that- unattended and unanswered- expecting that his wife forgets about it. For a man, this issue will resolve by itself once the wife forgets about it. For the wife, it's an unresolved issue, a dent in their communication, and constant questioning of whys, whats, ifs.
Then, Why straight men avoid talking about sex? Is there a reason?
The answer will just resume in one thing: Men fear judgment.
Nothing a man hates the most like being judged. Whether rightly or wrongly, a man is always going to think that you are going to judge him. Being judged creates a whole world of insecurities in a man. It has the same effect as being castrated.
A man will be terrified knowing his wife won't understand or that she will misunderstand his desires. Let's say -as an example- that a man wants to roleplay as a cop and a bandit. Him being the bandit and the wife a sexy cop.
Probably, in his mind, he already ran a check of possible scenarios where his wife will get it all wrong and end up thinking he's just a perv who wants to break the law, fuck a sexy real-life lady cop, and never get caught. When, in fact, what he only wanted was to play thief and police with you, use some fake handcuffs and end up having wild sex like before, when you guys had sex and the rest of the world didn't matter; When no worry was big enough and the responsibilities were trifling.
They don't want to be accountable. -Let's say he's a little beyond the first one (judgment). Both of you have made a commitment to a certain thing, like for example, no porn use. Knowing he's going too far on breaking that boundary and his wife will ask him explanations, is something men cannot withstand. Many men want to do their own way without any kind of repercussions, even when they have a mutual agreement.
They have something to hide. -Whether it's a weird fetish or something worse, men feel that talking about sex will put them in a position where their "secret" stuff will come to life.
They are doing something illegal and you cannot find out. -Are they creating a secret obsession with minors, animals, his ex? If that's the case, for him it's better if no one discovers about it, ever. He knows some things are beyond the boundaries you can bend for him.
They are doing something that goes against your principles. -You have asked him not to look for CamGirls on the internet, yet he just ignores you when you try to talk about it because he has no intention of cutting "his ties" with those online ladies. In many cases, men think they must choose their battles. In this case, and depending on the depths of his obsessions, he will "ignore" the damage he's causing his wife because his personal desires are his priority. In some cases, a man is even willing to have shitty sex or no sex at all rather than stopping watching "CamGirls".
I certainly believe men don't feel castrated by women's decision to have sexual control.
The problem really is that men need to be in total control of every situation. Plus, feeling exposed and vulnerable isn't a great quality in them. They prefer to remain silent rather than saying their desires out loud.
Knowing that nowadays women are so free makes a man feel threatened and full of doubts. The single thought that his wife can be walking down the street with a mentality like his is appalling for a man. Imagining his wife having kinky thoughts about every sexy guy she sees on the street reduces his penis one inch per thought.
There can be plenty of reasons, but fearing judgment is the biggest reason why straight men struggle so badly when the SEX talk is required.
What are your thoughts? Men don't talk about sex, but why? What you think is the main reason for their mutis?
Lots of love,