Updated: Mar 13
Our sex life is bad... The intercourse is unsatisfying... The sex is non-existent. Should I consider a divorce?
That's one of those uncomfortable questions most couples are afraid to address or even dare to ask.
Despite how painful and a big source of shame for some this might be, the question is totally valid, and it needs to be addressed ASAP. There are tons of people stuck in relationships having wimpy sex and a few others that have settled for a sexless marriage.
Is sexual incompatibility a strong deal-breaker?
If we consider the question, we quickly formulate a new one. What does sexual incompatibility even mean?
Ignorance will make us mumble and grumble. "That's silly", some will say. "That's b...shit", will say others, visibly displeased. "Sex isn't the problem. They don't love enough" a few will be convinced. "You should be ashamed for saying this" will state many.
Reality goes beyond what people wish to think. It goes beyond their shame, dissatisfaction, and sanctimonious behaviors. The misconception that sex is dirty, that sex is merely carnal and sin has guided our society to the boiling point when talking about sex is considered depravity. Well, if I remember correctly, God didn't punish Adam and Eve because of sex, but for disobeying in taking the forbidden fruit. And the forbidden fruit was the knowledge of God, not intercourse.
There's no official definition for sexual incompatibility because this is a situation that differs from couple to couple.
Sexual incompatibility is when the individual sexual needs aren't similar, synchronized, or in harmony with one another. It will depend on the chemistry between the couple and their personal desires.
The difference in sex drive can lead the husband or wife to frustration while the other probably feels alright. Are they talking about it? Are they committed to satisfying their partner? When both parties are committed to one another, the frustration for their incompatibility in bed can be worked and improved, in some cases. With gentle love, the couple should address this issue. Therapy with a specialist, like a sexologist, can be of great help.
But I'm not here today to discuss if therapy is the right thing to fix the sexual incompatibility. I wanted to address a more complicated issue: Divorce due to sexual incompatibility.
The stigma of divorcing for sexual incompatibility is so big that -usually- couples prefer to file for mutual agreement, adultery, or cruelty as the cause of divorce, but never cite sexual incompatibility. To make it less "humiliating", the parts may establish irreconcilable differences. It's easier to cite this as divorce cause rather than the humiliation of explaining to a judge that your significant other is depriving you of sex,... the sexual side of the relationship is not important to you,... or because you or your spouse is sexually deviant.
Many law firms have made researches about the number of couples establishing sexual incompatibility as a divorce cause. They all agree that couples prefer to divorce establishing one of the reasons mentioned above.
What leads a couple to a significant sexual incompatibility? Can it be worked out?
Inexperience- This is the most common cause of the difference in libidos. People confuse bad sex with sexual incompatibility. Bad sex can be a result of ignorance, miseducation by excessive porn, and self-stimulation leading to quick orgasms. Inexperience is just a matter of patience, education, and working the desire to satisfy your significant other. It can be improved if both work together to fix it.
Age- Extensive researches state that an age gap of ten years or more between the couple will eventually become one of the main causes leading to sexual incompatibility. This age gap will be more noticeable when maturity comes, as desires and needs change. What the couple wants vs what the other needs will be out of synchrony with this age gap. Researches also establish that no matter what the couple decides to do to fix the "problem", in this case, it simply cannot be repaired.
Attraction- The physical spark that kept your spouse in love has faded. Whatever the reasons (that we will not discuss today), when the attraction between a couple is lost, the bedroom department suffers the most.
Love- When love becomes unimportant, sex also becomes an obligation instead of a pleasure, and it simply stops happening.
Sexual desires- This can be a huge spectrum to talk about, so let's just enumerate some: Paraphilias. Sexual aversion. Deep/dark desires. Deviations. Abuse. Shame.
Religion- Some religious people will try to portrait sex as a bad and dirty thing whose sole purpose is procreation.
What are the side effects of Sexual Incompatibility?
Dissatisfaction- this is the #1 result of sexual incompatibility. At least one part will feel unattended and their needs neglected.
Anger- there's no way to have a loving relationship when you're half-loved.
Infidelity- The cheating part comes as a result of the time neglected, or because the problem stays unattended and unresolved. In some cases, one of the parts tries to justify the infidelity because they are sex-deprived, instead of fixing the problem or ending with the marriage.
Open-marriage agreements- These, I've heard a lot. Couples prefer to avoid the drama and economical punishment of divorce by agreeing to stay together, socially acting like a couple, but bringing someone else to their own bedrooms.
Divorce- ultimately, divorce is the last resort to put an end to sexual incompatibility.
I've read a lot of online sites "advising" against divorce in cases of sexual incompatibility. I really don't know if they enjoy mocking people who are suffering.
These writers clearly talk just guided by their point of view- probably very satisfied with their sexual lives or resigned to a sexless marriage. Judging struggling couples for not "wanting to invest time and energy" into making their sexual adventures together work is just a cheap insult. Every couple should decide how to live their marriage better. Every individual has the right to choose if they want to live without sex, or with a sexually deviant partner, or if they prefer to walk away.
The world outside a marriage's door is in no position to judge or condemn a person for the decision they take thinking about what's best for themselves.
Is sex so important? Isn't it like overrated? Should you just settle? Should you continue this life, closing the sexual door behind us? Can we overcome the sex-starvation? Can you live with someone who needs sex to feel loved? Is sex something you're not willing to share?
The answer to all these questions depends just on what's best for you. Let the world talk. Try to live happily.
Lots of love,