Updated: Dec 21, 2020
Dear crappy husbands everywhere:
I know you complain about this a lot, dear husbands everywhere. I know you feel you're entitled to it just because you paint a beautiful portrait of happiness just with words. I know how secretly you call your wife "controlling" and "manipulative" because she makes too many questions that you don't feel you need to answer. You get exasperated because she keeps nagging with her interrogatory, but you're too self-centered to give her the ugly truth. Deep inside, dear crappy husbands, she knows it, but she's allowing you to open up and you're just blind. You're wasting valuable moments to be sincere with your wife, and little by little you're digging your own grave inside her wounded heart.
Dear crappy husbands, probably you're familiar with your wife's sobbing in the darkness. Maybe you have heard how you hurt her with words that, once argued, you say that wasn't what you meant. You know, dear crappy husbands, words cannot be unsaid once they leave your lips. Even if you try to apologize for your shitty choice of words, their impact cannot be suddenly undone. Your wife cannot unheard or un-suffer the effect of your words.
You can say "without any intention" you don't want to be mocked about your personal life, because she talks about happiness, relationships, or openly talks about sex. But you've already told her -directly or indirectly, with or without intention- that she causes you big shame by doing what she loves.
You can "unintentionally" make her feel worthless, useless, or that she's your reason to feel embarrassed.
"Unintentionally" you can make her feel she's a commodity for you and she's accepted only when you decide.
You can "unintentionally" make her feel all alone by disregarding her feelings and emotions.
"Unintentionally" you can hurt her with words that later you'll think went too far and simply put the blame on her, accusing your already battered wife of misinterpreting your words.
Dear crappy husbands, "unintentional" hurts the same. A constant series of "unintentional" events hurt even worse. Your fault isn't the fact that you hurt her one single time. Your fault is to keep hurting her repeatedly. Hurting her feelings constantly. Making her feel she's your reason for shame over and over. Acting like she's just a dumb little creature who doesn't listen, doesn't understand you because she disagrees with you. And then just acting like nothing happened, because deep down your heart, soul and mind nothing actually happened, because you weren't the hurt one.
Dear crappy husbands, I know you do remember the precise words your first girlfriend used to break up with you because you lacked experience or maturity. I know you remember how your parents compared you to that sibling who's your eternal adversary in life. Those words still hurt and will hurt forever. Your wife knows the feeling very well.
I know how you think it all is about you. I know how you perceive everything is alright, even when your wife is telling you how broken she is. You're not listening to her. You're choosing to ignore her pain and unhappiness because you don't feel the same. You're invalidating her feelings because you're not ready to accept your fault in her suffering. You're not willing to recognize what a crappy husband you have been.
You think you're doing more than enough going to work, earning more money, providing for the house. You think you have done your part by being a nice provider. You think your wife is being unreasonable because she's unhappy despite the fact that you work to have a life of commodities and for you, that's a synonym for love. Understand that the biggest commodity your wife desires is that of your honesty and full love.
Maybe you have broken your wife in tiny little pieces all at once, with one single blow, one big pain. Maybe you have been breaking her little by little, taking your time, hurting her, apologizing, doing it all over and over again.
Dear crappy husbands, your wife doesn't need the extra pressure you give her when unconsciously you force her to compare herself with other women. Your wife doesn't need to be shown she's an option that you browse from time to time when horniness attacks. Your wife doesn't need to feel inferior to you because the whole world orbits around you, like a majestic sun on your own, and she's just a threatening random meteor.
Dear crappy husbands: when you hurt your wife and she tells you how much she's suffering, you can ask for her forgiveness, but you're not entitled to it. Your wife is not forced to forgive and forget and suddenly starts acting normal again, like nothing happened, pretending her heart is not bleeding. She has the right to suffer, to argue back, to judge you, to blame you and punish you as well. She has the right to go back to it until she's ready to let it go. She deserves the moment to heal. Instead of letting her heal by herself, do what needs to be done to heal her faster. Even if you have to go against your egocentric judgment, the moment to take action to salvage your marriage has come and lies in your hands.
You need to start assuming responsibility for your words and acts. You need to be accountable for the pain you cause to your wife. She's not the one to blame when you hurt her. She's your victim at the time, and you need to face this truth.
Trust, dear crappy husbands, is not a right that you deserve just because. It's a valuable thing that is hard-earned. Trust needs to be worked and deserved. A wife that's taken for granted will never truly trust because her feelings had been marginalized by you. As her feelings are handled as an unimportant little issue in your relationship, your wife will start distrusting everything... even herself.
Don't forget, dear husbands everywhere, that you're not in a relationship with yourself, but with your wife. She possesses her own mind, her own feelings. She's her own person -as you are- and you're bringing her down every day by "unintentionally" hurting her.
Dear crappy husbands, you think your wife is constantly asking and asking because she fears that you cheat. No, crappy husbands, her fears are beyond that. She dreads the day when you stop loving her. She fears that you could be so cold and calculating to be capable of getting emotionally involved with someone else. She shutters just by thinking you're not giving importance to her pain, to her suffering, that her broken heart doesn't have reasons to be because you don't give your permission. That she's just nothing to you unless you require of her.
Marriage isn't broken just by cheating. Trust is so fragile it dangles in the tiny space between you and your wife. The farther you two are, the easiest the trust slips down and breaks. For your wife, trust is much more than sex. It's a commitment issue. Its means your engagement in your relationship, in making it work.
Your wife won't be happy because you command it. She won't stay by your side once she has nothing left to give. You think "she's not going to leave me to venture alone in this world" or "she's not going to leave me because of some words she clearly misunderstood". But have you thought about her reasons to stay? Have you considered her reasons to choose you over and over?
Probably you're right, dear crappy husbands. Probably she won't leave because of those things alone, but all those things together can be the emotional death of your relationship. Probably she'll change first. It's very possible that you notice how she stops making questions, checking on you every once in a while. She'll certainly move those energies to do things for herself.
One day you'll notice how she began to look prettier, dress sexier. And you'll notice how focused she's on herself to the point she stopped caring about you, stop looking for you, stop trying to arouse you, to pleasure you. She got prettier and happier on her own, but she grew irritated and frustrated around you.
You'll feel you have the right to demand and blame her for making you feel unwanted, disregarded, humiliated maybe. But this is on you, even if you can't recognize or accept it. You pushed her to the limit where she was forced to recognize she was unwanted, disregarded and humiliated herself. And you weren't there to lift her up, but to hit her harder on the ground. You weren't there to soothe her, but to put your own blame on her. You weren't there to give but to take the little that was left of her. And she was forced to destroy what was left of her and make a new persona. A new woman. A new heart where she could fit and be accepted and loved.
Trust, husbands. A daily work that requires daily maintenance.
Lots of love,