7 reasons your husband may feel ashamed of you... CLUE: none of them is your fault.
Men and women feel a huge variety of emotions for a big range of reasons. We expect to always feel loved, cared for, desired by our husbands. We always want to feel admired and respected by him. That's the ultimate goal in a relationship. Without those pretty sweet elements, no relationship can survive long term.
But love, respect, care, admiration... that's not always a reality. Sadly, men and women are always in between fights that can be resumed in the unmentionable battle of sexes. One member of the relationship tends to feel superior instead of equal. They enter a marriage -a partnership- just to continue the eternal unspoken competition of who's the best: men vs. women.
Despite men and women react to this silent competition in very different ways, I believe women are the ones who end up hurt more often.
Men... They simply don't care. Or pretend they don't until it's too late. Men act as if nothing damages them just because they don't feel like talking about sentiments and emotional stuff. They act as if they need no approval in the whole world beyond their own. And in most cases, they care little or nothing about their wives' desires or intentions.
We -women- desire to have our husband's approval. Not because we need it, but because his approval means -to some extent- his admiration. And we crave to be admired by our husbands.
When our husband acts like he doesn't see us or he's ashamed of us we tend to judge ourselves too hard. What did I do? Am I looking ugly now? Is he acting this way because of these few pounds I gained? Am I not acting sexy enough? Am I not attractive or daring enough? Am I not doing something that I should? Am I not pleasing him as he wishes? Is my career a problem for him? Would he prefer if I strip like camgirls?
Men, on the other hand, externalize their anger or frustration. Most men act like wounded little sheep. They project their faults towards their wife, making her look guilty of everything. Not taking responsibility for their manly wrongdoings is the root of all marital disputes and dissatisfactions.
See? We -women- judge ourselves on top of our husband's judgment. We punish ourselves for something out of our control: our husband's feelings. We try to carry all the fault in the relationship and in the end, we end up bearing all the blame. That too? Yes. That too! Because we forced ourselves to take a responsibility that doesn't belong to us, and we release him for his own fault.
But what happens when your husband is showing that he feels ashamed of you? Why? You ask yourself, and many times you cannot find an answer. Many times, there's no right answer.
I'll tell you WHY. Your husband's a jerk! There. You have it! Unless you're doing wrong, giving him real reasons to feel embarrassed about you. Because if that's the case, the joke's on you.
But, as Empowered Curvy is home to independent, powerful, respectful women, let's start from the premise that the fault is his, and let's throw some trash to your husband. After all, he's the reason you're here, wondering why he feels so ashamed of you!
(**Happy clarification: Empowered Curvy doesn't support the mistreats of men. No man was harmed while making this -or any other- blog post! This post is to try to understand the reasons why some men act like their wives are their source of shame. The "are we the ones to blame" question!)
Your husband acts like he's ashamed of you, when:
You're opinionated? -Most men love to be the center of attention, even when they disagree with me on this. I'll explain it. By now, you must have noticed how your husband needs to have the last saying in trivial things like the day when he bought those pants but you clearly remember you were the one who bought them for him. Doesn't matter how many times you try to remind him that was your act, he'll just do his best to ignore your words.
You express your ideas and thoughts, and some people may hate you for it. But let's be crystal clear here, being an opinionated person is not a bad thing. Just because people can't bear your strong beliefs doesn't mean you're a flawed woman. You're just too strong for them to handle.
You're a strong-willed woman. -It is said that not any man can handle a strong-willed woman, and that is so true. A woman like this, with a clear vision, honest words in difficult times, someone who doesn't put up with your shit, is a woman hard to please. Of course, she is. Because she already knows what she wants and how to get it. By adult age, a strong-willed woman has suffered and learned to do things on her own, without waiting for help or approval from the male sex.
Men cannot resist the desire to conquer this woman's heart. Because men love challenges, they'll do everything in their power to gain this type of woman. But he'll find it hard to keep up with her because she knows what she wants, how to get it and she's not afraid to do it on her own. Most men cannot withstand the idea of an independent woman. They are afraid of her freedom and how self-sufficient she is. When a man finds himself struggling to keep up with this kind of woman, he'll accuse her of being high-maintenance, impossible to please, and even call her frigid.
He feels disrespected. -Let say your husband is feeling down and drifting away because he feels disrespected for something you did/you're doing. Not all men are jerks, you know. Some men are just like us, complex creatures who have a difficult time properly expressing their feelings. Women shut down and lock our frustrations within us. Men just transform their feelings of frustration into shame towards you.
Not necessarily you DID something to disrespect him, but sometimes men want us -wives- to ask for their opinion or approval before doing something, and we just don't. That act can trigger your husband into the valley of disrespected emotions, and he must be hurting. We have all been there at some point. But as men don't express their feelings openly, we know nothing about his expectations until he's pushing us away, making us feel like he caught us bare naked against a strip pole with dollars on our tongs.
Your body image. -Men are visual creatures. I'll always say this. Every man in this universe will feel more aroused with something attractive to his eyes. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but that's just the way men are wired. I'm really sorry to tell you this but as painful as it sounds, it's just the pure truth. Are you wondering why your husband doesn't want to introduce you to his friends or co-workers? Are you questioning why he was so excited about his work's Christmas party until he knew wives were expected? Do you wonder why he talks about his friend's wives, and when you dig a little, they are totally different to you? Are they these tiny Barbie girls, big boobs or juicy lips, blonde hair flowing like a cascade? Feeling ashamed of you because you don't fit into this wrong beauty standard is just so cruel. A man like this doesn't deserve all you bring to the table. And he never will.
You haven't done anything wrong by gaining or losing pounds. I bet he doesn't have the abs he used to presume about anymore. Maybe now he has some extra inches around the waist that are noticeable in a junk that looks and feels smaller. Our bodies, just as our minds, are set to change, that's why we age. Some men stay stuck in the falsities of Hollywood, Playboy and porn. Their expectations of the female body are probably distorted because of all those fake images. How would he feel if you start pointing out how his package has reduced as his waist has increased? Maybe it's time to take matters into your own hands, and give him some of his own medicine!
You're open to talking about real things. -I always thought men wanted a woman with whom they could talk about everything. And I still hope it's true. Every woman deserves a man who's willing and eager to listen. Not because he wants to get lucky, but because he truly admires you. Sometimes, I strongly consider men just want a woman who could listen to them endlessly and smile and nod and admire how smart he is because he's talking about screws, buildings, or how to assemble a racing car. Sometimes, men just want us to look at them as if they are the supreme source of knowledge and we are dumb creatures who are super astonished by his brilliance.
Although we can play that dumb game with him, there's no way of winning this game of ignorance. So, it's better not to play. Why settling to participate in a game where you're destined to lose no matter how good you play?
He did something wrong and convinced himself it's your fault. Now he needs to convince you. -Out of guilt, we human beings, usually hurt those we love the most. Men sometimes act thinking solely on them. The problem is that he hurts you with this egotistical behavior. Unconsciously, he hurt you and make you feel less, or insecure. But he'll never take responsibility for it. He'll always try to blame it on you.
Almost 20 years ago I met a Philosophy professor. I took courses with him for a whole year. He explained to us how it all works. It goes by something like this:
A: He's feeling less attracted to you. Somehow, it's your fault.
B: He's checking out other women or started browsing dating sites.
Then: That (B) is your fault -more than his- because you knew he was feeling less attracted to you (A) and you did nothing to fix it.
The question that will always remain unanswered: Why is the woman the one that must fix a wandering man?
He's angry at what you do. -I've seen men who try to discourage their wives from fulfilling their dreams. Some men feel challenged and see their wives as threats. Will she earn more money than me? Will she feel she doesn't need me anymore? If she succeeds, she'll think she's better than me?
If a man is angry at what you do, he'll give you little signs despite his inability to open up about his fear of your success. He'll say he's your biggest fan, he'll support your dreams no matter what, he'll do anything in his power to see you succeed. But his actions will be nonexistent. Just words.
How many times has he shared at least one of your works? How many times had he visited you at work just because? How many of your items has he bought or shared? There's where the real support lies, not in words that try to fool you.
Are you wondering why he talks about the hooker (Cough, cough... I meant Escort) his co-worker pays for a few times a year, but no way he'll share your work (No, you're not an Escort) with those same men?
Have you asked yourself what makes that woman worth the talk, but you aren't worthy of people's admiration? Why, a woman who deceives men, takes advantage and exploits them, deserve frequent mentions? Don't you feel sometimes you should act like her to get that rightful treatment? Tempting, right? But, will he survive?
Has he just given the excuse he wants to keep his "private" life private? One thing men don't have is secrecy. They love to vent that they fuck while others have to jerk off. Men love to show off, and they prefer to exaggerate rather than keeping silent. Men don't "Blow the whistle" one another, but they aren't good at keeping their own dirty things from their peers.
Out of my heart, I will tell you this: There's no real way of feeling ashamed of ones' partner and still love him/her madly. Both feelings coexisting equally at the same time in the same body it's just a fallacy. Either you love or die of embarrassment, but not both. The moment your husband is acting all ashamed of people knowing about you, your relationship, what you do... It's the warning sign that your marriage is quickly slipping down the hill without return.
Shamefulness is love's worst enemy. No way can one survive the wrath of the other.
A little advice to my ladies:
You're powerful. You're worthy. Don't allow a mean person to dictate when you deserve to be loved and when don't.
You're a goddess. You're an angel! You're a diva!
You have your charms. Someone in this world will notice you for what you truly are! The rest... they might as well dig a hole and sleep on it!
Lots of love,