It's time to love yourself.
A wife's heart is a very fragile and delicate thing. Little things can trigger the biggest of suffering. When she decided to turn into a wife, she put her vulnerability into her husband's hands. She entrusted him with the almost impossible mission to never hurt her.
Think of a woman's heart like a bank account. When you withdraw more than what you deposit, you'll have a negative balance. If you deposit $20 but spend $18, your balance left won't be enough for another purchase, because it simply is too low. But when you deposit enough and keep a good usage of that money, being conscious to deposit more than what you use, then your balance increases and your economy is safe.
A wife's heart is exactly like that. Give her enough love, be present, make your time together count, and make the time apart one to wish for togetherness, and despite a few bumps in the ride, her love will never falter.
Lots of men will probably complain about doing enough to keep their wives happy. Lots of women will complain about the little efforts their husbands make for the relationship. Why is that?
Because men and women measure happiness in different ways. Men feel loved and cared for when having hot food at the table, when their wives are willing to listen to all their work-related tantrums, and when they are sexually satisfied. Three simple things for a man to feel he's close to heaven's gates. That, and achievement. Men love to achieve things as individuals and as a couple. Wrongly so, men believe this is one of the things that prove more love to their wives. Achievement together. But it's not.
Women are a lot more complex. Especially these days. In ancient times (don't go that far... a few decades ago is fine!), women felt secured and loved if their husbands were good providers. A man's ability to provide for the house was his way to prove his manhood. Little did it matter if he was unfaithful or abusive, a woman would shut up and resist everything as long as he provided for the house.
That was priority one.
Not anymore. A woman earns her own salary to survive on her own, so a good provider is overrated these days.
LISTEN TO HER: For a woman to feel loved, she needs to be listened to and her feelings to be acknowledged. Asking a wife what's bothering her right before going to bed and falling asleep without a reaction when she tells you what's keeping her from sleeping is -in a man's language- the equivalent of her falling asleep amidst a blowjob.
HAVE DETAILS: A woman also needs details. As the saying states, the devil is in the details and that is so true. In a woman's language, missing opportunities here, forgotten days there, are just a representation of less love. Choosing not to celebrate a special occasion between you two because you guys were angry is a decision that doesn't belong to one of the parties, but both. A wife isn't expecting diamond jewelry or a Lamborgini as a present. What she expects is your commitment accompanied by -at least- a sweet message of appreciation.
When a wife's heart is neglected, abused, or ignored, she will go into emotional hiding, trying the best she can to protect herself and her feelings. She'll try to find solace in solitude. She'll say little and cry alone a lot.
A wife's wrath is like a terrible virus. Without a quick intervention and proper medication, it will devour everything good, leaving plenty of available space for destructive feelings to grow.
Woman, when your world seems like lacking love, you should understand these things:
1. You cannot control or change people's feelings. -There's not much you can do to improve things on your husband's side. If he's comfy with his effort despite knowing your love needs are different, you'll either suck it up till the day you die or begin to design your escape plan.
You don't want him to see things your way. You're just asking him to be empathetic with you.
You don't want to change him, you just need him to be more proactive in what you truly need from him.
If he doesn't want to, his idea of what you really need at the love department will remain the same and his efforts will be no different; even when you verbalize over and over what you truly need to feel loved and secured.
If he's apathetic relationship-wise, is because he's conscious he's not doing enough and he's been preparing himself for imminent failure. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but that his ego is stronger than the love he feels for you. He loves the mirage of your happiness instead of your real happiness. In his mind, he will make himself believe he's doing enough and you're just a capricious, high-maintenance woman who doesn't know what she wants.
2. Your feelings are your responsibility. -I know. It sounds so crappy and painful, yet it is so true. You can either stay stuck in that place of pain or be reborn. Your husband may not be putting the biggest effort into being empathic and a proactive part of the marriage, but the way you react to his ambivalence is up to you. To be happy, you need to take control of your emotions. He's been a lazy husband (I mean lazy for the relationship), and you are not happy.
What are you going to do about it? Are you gonna stay there -sitting on the same hot couch- looking at him while he plays videogames or scrolls through his phone... or you gonna do something that brings you happiness?
Get up, lady! Put on some nice clothes, a little bit of red lipstick and some perfume, and tell your man you want to go out - with or without him. Beware, he'll want to stay and also make you stay. Don't succumb to his lack of interest in your desires. Go out on your own and enjoy a little bit of the world. Have coffee watching people passing by in the streets, or go to a movie, or shopping. It will be backward in the beginning, but soon you'll see that -maybe- that's the way you'll see the world forever.
3. Time has come to love yourself more. -We are always so busy trying to make it all function properly that sometimes we forget to make time for ourselves.
How do you envision yourself? What will fill you with joy, even if it's something momentary?
Do it. Do those things that make you happy. Go to a sauna. Take a long bath. Hang the gloves from time to time. Breathe. Leave the room for a while if you cannot withstand it anymore. Plan your own foods. Sit at the table to enjoy your meals. Arrange dates for yourself: coffee and a great book! Or ice cream and Netflix! Dress up nicely, even if you're just grocery shopping. Hair makeover!
4. Evaluate yourself. -What's your part in this new feeling? When are you feeling unloved or unwanted the most? What happens when you argue as a couple?
We, women, tend to see a discussion -as tiny as it may appear to be- as the very end of the freaking world. It's true. He said something stupid. You took it personally. He didn't correct himself. You felt appalled. And that's how a war started.
Your husband will probably go to sleep as a sedated lion and you'll stay awake for days, crying around the corners, feeling so ashamed, stupid, and unwanted.
After more days passes by, your anger will be boiling. Your husband most probably forgot about what he initially said. He even forgets that you're angry. Face to face, you'll tell him what's bothering you. He'll say you misinterpreted his words. You'll get even angrier. Besides been unloved, you feel you're also deaf and dumb and misinterprets his words. You'll be even madder, meanwhile, your husband will be frustrated because you just can't let go of something -that for him is- so silly as a misunderstanding.
5. It is the moment to start loosening the ropes of your marriage. -Don't take this one the wrong way. I don't mean you go and divorce and that's all. But by all means, do it if you think is the solution to your problems.
What I do mean by this is... You need to ease the control of your marriage. Sometimes you do more and more and receive less to nothing in return. Let's be honest here. You didn't marry to serve and serve because serving someone else is your biggest source of pleasure. You married this guy to love him and be loved back. Doing his laundry and making him his meals just gives you joy because he will reward you with care, tenderness, attention, and understanding.
The courting phase gave you an idea of what married life would be and you set your standards to that time. You expect your husband to be just like he was when he tried to make you fall in love with him. He bought you flowers and gifts without a reason. He recited poems or dedicated songs to you. He celebrated your birthday even when he knew you hate birthdays because people always forgot about it or made you have a terrible mean day.
He planned special moments even when his schedule was full just because he found great pleasure in surprising you. Plus, he knew he would get lucky. After marriage, unconsciously a man feels he has secured the terrain. You got that ring. He has the marriage certificate to prove you should change your last name. You both invest in the future together. Both work hard, go to sleep at the same time, wake up early together and transit through life as routine dictates.
In a man's brain, those are reasons enough to be happy, to feel comfortable and safe. He truly thinks he did everything in his power. But sometimes he forgets that love needs to be fed daily, just as his stomach is. And successfully complete his responsibilities aren't ways to show love, but just how life works.
Do less for him and more for you. Stop acting like this household machine so he can finally see you. He won't. A man only sees good food. Great sex. Clean underwear.
He doesn't see you cleaning and working all day long. With certainty I tell you, you can leave the laundry unfolded for weeks and he will just spill it all over the bed to find some socks -that doesn't even have to be a pair- and he'll resume his life.
6. Rediscover yourself. -You need to take your focus away from your marriage for a moment. Your husband's fine, and you're not. It's time to do things you feel passionate about. It's time to write or read, or go for a walk. It's time to exercise, to do some Pilates. The moment has come for you to do you. You know it's been a while since you have a chat with ladies, friends, or family? Why not now? Try and contact an old friend to have a ladies' talk. Or even better, join a ladies' group in your town. You'll definitely make new friends and will find plenty of people who feels just like you do.
7. Make awesome discoveries. -Did you see a wine tasting adventure nearby and you want to try it? Or bowling! Is been a while, right? What about a short trip on a boat? Go! Always leave the door open for your husband to come with you, but if he's not interested, don't feel obligated to stay in the house. You gave him yet another opportunity to bond with you in a new adventure and he's just not into it. That's fine. Discover new passions. With or without him. If he doesn't want to come... his loss.
8. Pray. -One of the things that will help you overcome the neglect you feel is to pray. Pray for yourself. Pray for your husband. Pray for what you believe, for what you want. Pray for the things that are keeping your marriage walking on eggshells. Don't expect to receive an immediate response. Be patient. Trust that your prayers are been listened to and something will happen.
You'll find the answer sooner or later. At this point, you'll also need to pray for understanding and acceptance when the answer is not what you expect.
What's making you feel unloved in your marriage? How did you survive this? Are you renewed now?
Lots of love,